Maria.

Dear Ben

Sat, 12 Mar 2005 18:45:18 GMT

Im not good in explaining myself, so please, hear me out. let me finish what i have to say. i want u to understand my side before u defend urs. and when im finish talking, then ill hear u out.

firstly, i WILL be very sensitive and judgemental. secondly, i WILL sound like a mother, but this is the way i think. so i apologise in advance.

we've been together for 10months now, and had one breakup. we got through that. in fact we got stronger. im so happy for us. i love so many things about u. so many. but sometimes, the things u do, makes me feel uneased and contemptous. those jitzzy times, i just let go, i let that big lump in my throat and that heavy beating on my heart sink down the drain. because its no big deal right? i want to be with u. i will accept u for who u are. because i love u. its like marge, she loves homer so much even though he's an imbecile. well, i don't know. i just can't take it any more. im going to be straight up with u now.

ive been thinking, that you often, not always, do what u want, whenever u want, and don't consider my opinion. i find that disrespectul. for example, i told u ages ago to do ur course approval. its been due 3 weeks now, and im worried because U might not be able to do ur course at all. i care, thats why i keep pushing u to do it. but until now, u never did. and then theres that night after ur work. u know ur tired, u finish at 5am. and still u insist on drinking with ur workmates until what, 9am? if i didn't pick u up, u would have went to a chick's lecture drunk for fun? a chick u just met that night? yes of course im jealous. you wouldn't even go to ONE of MY lectures, and this chick asked u once and u said yes? sounds like i have trust issues. YES i admit that. but my point is, thats a little too much huh? u didn't even tell me about that plan 'til we got home. im also saying, that u take alcohol as mere pleasure even though u know its unnecessary and it will ruin ur schedule. oh, and ill skip into being disorganised. yeah u haven't paid ur car bills from last year until now. that's pretty disorganised. your an adult, your 22, you need to be responsible. and now, its 7.30am, and i havent slept, because ive been waiting for u. waiting for u to get home. u didnt ask me to stay up, but it bugs me when i go to bed and ur not there. so youre going to have drinks, for the second time, after your work. and then your gonna go have BREAKFAST? and u won't be home until 9am... why? can u not have breakfast at 7 or 8? im sure mcdonalds would have been open by those times. yeah, go on, socialise. socialise as much as u can, i aint stopping u. but to me, ur just a little out of control. its just soo unnecessary. fuck it, if i was u, ill just go home after drinks.

this is where my trust issues begin. u just want to hang out with chicks dont u? i mean, ur only 22. i can't be the only chick u can flirt with. well, i called u, and u said not to worry, because ur so inlove with me. meaning, u wont hit on ur chick peeps. is that alcohol talking? see, thats the thing about alcohol. it does shit to ur head and makes u feel less guilty. i have to admit i like alcohol, but not to the extent that i drink it and do things that i know is wrong, or will look wrong. probabl because i was bought up differently. now i know why my parents have been so strict since i turned 13. i hated them for that. but now, i thank them for the morals they have taught me. and those morals now, i still carry. even though sometimes i get influenced or peer pressured.

ben, i told u i don't like stoners right? i know ur not a stoner, because u do it occassionally. and yes, u made me smoke pot, and i did. so there, I DID. now, IM DONE. you've been smoking it since what? 5th form? you know what it feeels like. it will be the same feeling everytime u puff. i smoked weed with u so we can both get high. but im DONE.

what am i saying, exactly? im just saying that, i have different morals than u. i have different levels on writing the lines between right and wrong, decency and indecency, responsibility and control. and urs simply doesn't match with mine.

i want a man who is responsible and organised. because if he's not, he affects me sometimes in a bad way, sometimes i just don't even bother to care. but i do care. i care about getting into medicine. and u trying to tire me out, making me wait for u until the morning, is not going to help. i see the picture in a diff way, and maybe u never looked at it like this before. but there, im tryin to tell u. i hope u understand.

im not going to keep this any longer. all im trying to say is, if u don't show me that ur a responsible man, and u can control urself, where u draw the lines in the same level as mine, then ................
we are not compatible. im not saying that.... if u don't change, we're going to break up. im ASKING u to change into a real man. and if u can't... i will TRY to accept it. but if it's too much, then im afraid i will have to let you go.

Men.

Sat, 12 Mar 2005 01:44:30 GMT

I feel like im married.
We sleep in the same bed every night, we're on each others faces every day.
He goes and does his own thing, i do mine.
Im not getting sick of him, i hope he's not fed up with me either.

The best thing about Ben is that, he's cool with stuff. He is that cool guy in high school whom all the girls admire and wish to be with. He is that guy who plays rugby and makes jokes in the guys shower after (no i haven't seen it, but i know). He is that guy who isn't always so nice to me because he's 'tough' and wrestles me often. And the great thing after that is his sensitivity at things and how he puts himself in my shoes. He gives me the best cuddles. He has the softest smoothest big brown chest i can lean on. He is THE MAN that i wouldn't mind staying with for A WHILE. In fact, i'd like to keep him for a while. He is great. I love him.

I could never look at another guy the same way as i do to him. Even if i had the chance to date Jude Law or Brad Pitt, i would not give up a snuggle in bed with Ben.

KFC

Fri, 11 Mar 2005 09:23:25 GMT

I just had KFC. I feel guilty.

Chemistry Lab

Thu, 10 Mar 2005 06:54:02 GMT

So i signed up because i want to be cool like Kevin. (Hi Kev :))

Anyways.

It's been a rainy day. And the last class i had was a Chemistry Lab. Here's how it went.

I went in the lab, fashionably late. The heads turned, checking out this tardy chick with rain patches on her shirt. So i found my destined seat (A15 - yes we get located to a specific station - scary eh) and chucked my lab coat on. I examined the room. hmmm no familiar faces. then this ditzy chubby lady started her lectures on safety guidelines. blah blah. so we finally got to the practical and its time to find a LAB PARTNER. hmmm ohh i found Ali. he's an arab whom i was friends with last year. but im distant towards him now because well... that's another story. i'll tell you next time.
so this quite good looking, tall dude asked me, "are you working with anyone?" i replied, "well yes, im working with ali *i pointed to ali behind me* , but you can join us if you want."

so we started working, and i acted 'dumb' at first so he can explain the methods to me (but honestly, i do KNOW what to do hehe). so there he was, explaining away. i didn't make much eye contact. probably because he's hotness is too bright ha ha.

then 20 mins before the lab finishes, we had an exit test on 'Hess Law'. i just scribbled away in content with the questions. when i was quietly packing up to leave (because i finished), i checked on 'him', and his paper is half answered. well, he wasn't as smart as i expected.

wish i remembered his name though.